No, that dress doesn't make your ass look big.
Don't ask us shit like that. When girls ask loaded questions like this, it doesn't matter what you say (unless you're a brotha that likes the big ass, you kno-ow!). They just want you to tell them what they want to hear. In other words, they want to be reassured of their own self-esteem. You better not hesitate in your answer either, or you're going to get your ass handed to you (sometimes literally). Do you really want to be the guy who got beat up by his girl? Remember, you can't hit back or you go to jail and the ass everyone wants will be yours (hello irony). What happens after she chases you outside and you drive off in a rage? What does that make you? Tiger Woods, of course! Just, without the money and the PR rep to make it all go away. This really isn't a story you would want to share with your friends and family (if they ask what happened tell them you fell down the stairs, got it?).
Am I right or am I right? Look ladies, you want your man to be honest, but the truth hurts, okay? Many of you would rather him blatantly lie to you. Personally, I'm okay with lying. Relationships are built on lies. God forbid some poor bastard actually tells the truth. Okay, you need an image. Well here, let me paint a vivid picture for you. The following is a simulation of my point.
"This raggedy bitch had the nerve to tell me I needed to get on a diet. Mmhmmm, he ain't gettin' this pussy never again, no sir. Then I punched him in his fat head and said, 'why don't you get a fuckin' job, you raggedy bitch'."
That is how that particular scenario played out in my head. Guys, listen up. Remember what it is I'm about to tell you. Write this shit down. Go ahead, grab a pen and paper, I'll wait.
LIE. Just fucking lie. If you have a problem with lying then tell a half truth (for all intensive purposes, half truths and white lies are essentially the same; don't argue with my logic, just accept it and move on). It's really quite beautiful. Weave a tapestry of half truths and white lies that are legitimate enough to answer her and not cock block you in the future. Hell, she may even love you for it (some of these girls are indeed crazy enough to believe your lying ass). Tell her just what she wants to hear, even if it's not entirely accurate. As long as it is partially truth, you can still claim that it's truth.
Whatever you say, say it with confidence. If you get all nervous and freak out they are going to know you're bullshitting them. Being a smooth talker helps, sure, but it's not all that matters. My point is that it's important that you believe what you say no matter how ridiculous it really is. Remember, it's not a lie if you believe it to be true.
In all sincerity, this isn't exactly advice for a healthy relationship. If you want to make a relationship work the two of you need to get over all of the petty shit. You shouldn't have to lie to each other to feel good. That is just a temporary fix and in the long term it can cause more hurt than you expected. Plus, let's be honest, it's damn hard to remember what you have said in the past. If you are going to lie or only partially tell the truth, it better be something you can recall on the spot. Believe me, they will question you about shit that they find suspicious. Oh, and don't you dare let your guard down. When you least expect it they will question you about a time you said something and you better be able to match your answer with whatever the hell you said. Plan ahead, because girls have great memory (like elephants, but never tell her that). You don't necessarily have to be a schemer or a plotter. Ya just gotta be on ya game, yo!
For the record, not all girls are bitches, but all bitches are girls.
And I wonder why I can't get laid.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Baggage Claim
I don't meet girls I consider interesting very often, so I've only met a few over the last couple of years that I've been single, and fewer still have I been interested in romantically. I'd like to think I'm not a very picky guy, and that I don't really have one specific type of girl I always go for. Really, all I look for is a modicum of intelligence, and that she be not so bad to look at. That's not so much to ask for is it? In spite of this though, somehow, over the last few girls I've been pseudo-involved with (I say pseudo because they've never gotten to the point where you could honestly say we were "official") I seem to have fallen into a strange pattern, because they have all had one very frustrating trait in common: baggage.
I'm sure you've heard this term before, so I'll assume you know I don't mean actual physical luggage. I mean that they've had emotional left-overs. Specifically, they've each had someone they've been unable to let go of; ex-boyfriends, old lovers, childhood friends, etc. Guys that they've always had complicated and at times even unhealthy relationships with, and have always gone back to time and time again. No matter how many times they cheat, lie, treat each other like shit, fight, or just fuck up in general, they've never been able to completely let go.
I always try my best to be as understanding as I can--especially when it comes to women, but this is honestly something I have a hard time relating to, because I've never had anyone I've wanted back in my life, or someone I wished I'd get a second chance with. I've just never seen the point. And it's not like the opportunities haven't arisen. In the last few months, two of my ex's have tried to worm their way back into my life, and I've denied them both blatantly.
Call me unforgiving, but like I said, I don't see the point. I know these things may vary by circumstance, but as far as I'm concerned, what's already failed will probably fail again. I'm not one to stand still, or even go so far as to walk backwards like others I know. I don't look back, and I try my best to have no regrets.
The problem, I think, is that a lot of these girls (and there are many aside from the ones I've known) have created these dreams in their head about whomever; a story with its ups an downs but a happy ending none-the-less. They cling to this idea desperately hoping that things will change. "He's different now, we're different now. It'll be okay".
Call me a hardass, but I think that's just wishful thinking. They, we, all of us, we need to let go of these romantic ideals we create in our minds. These fantasies and perfect storybook romances we wish would come true. We've become so obsessed with trying to live out the love stories we see in movies and read in books that we'll overlook the worst in people, and trudge on desperately towards a happy ending that we'll never reach. The truth is, you can't force romance. If it's going to happen at all, it'll happen without you knowing. You'll look back on your relationship months or years later and realize how everything up to that point has worked out better than you could have imagined. That, is the only love story there really is as far as I'm concerned. You can dream for an epic love story all you want, but if you don't get your head out of the movies, you'll always end up unsatisfied. Or worse, you'll end up fooling yourself into thinking your sham of a relationship is something real, and let your misery fester and rot inside till it tears you apart.
Call me heartless, but I've always considered it weakness to cling to the past. The future is filled with far too many opportunities to be hung up on what's already been. You'll change, they'll change, and the world will change. Don't waste your time, and learn to let go and move forward. Opportunity will always come knocking, so be strong enough to open the door.
I'm sure you've heard this term before, so I'll assume you know I don't mean actual physical luggage. I mean that they've had emotional left-overs. Specifically, they've each had someone they've been unable to let go of; ex-boyfriends, old lovers, childhood friends, etc. Guys that they've always had complicated and at times even unhealthy relationships with, and have always gone back to time and time again. No matter how many times they cheat, lie, treat each other like shit, fight, or just fuck up in general, they've never been able to completely let go.
I always try my best to be as understanding as I can--especially when it comes to women, but this is honestly something I have a hard time relating to, because I've never had anyone I've wanted back in my life, or someone I wished I'd get a second chance with. I've just never seen the point. And it's not like the opportunities haven't arisen. In the last few months, two of my ex's have tried to worm their way back into my life, and I've denied them both blatantly.
Call me unforgiving, but like I said, I don't see the point. I know these things may vary by circumstance, but as far as I'm concerned, what's already failed will probably fail again. I'm not one to stand still, or even go so far as to walk backwards like others I know. I don't look back, and I try my best to have no regrets.
The problem, I think, is that a lot of these girls (and there are many aside from the ones I've known) have created these dreams in their head about whomever; a story with its ups an downs but a happy ending none-the-less. They cling to this idea desperately hoping that things will change. "He's different now, we're different now. It'll be okay".
Call me a hardass, but I think that's just wishful thinking. They, we, all of us, we need to let go of these romantic ideals we create in our minds. These fantasies and perfect storybook romances we wish would come true. We've become so obsessed with trying to live out the love stories we see in movies and read in books that we'll overlook the worst in people, and trudge on desperately towards a happy ending that we'll never reach. The truth is, you can't force romance. If it's going to happen at all, it'll happen without you knowing. You'll look back on your relationship months or years later and realize how everything up to that point has worked out better than you could have imagined. That, is the only love story there really is as far as I'm concerned. You can dream for an epic love story all you want, but if you don't get your head out of the movies, you'll always end up unsatisfied. Or worse, you'll end up fooling yourself into thinking your sham of a relationship is something real, and let your misery fester and rot inside till it tears you apart.
Call me heartless, but I've always considered it weakness to cling to the past. The future is filled with far too many opportunities to be hung up on what's already been. You'll change, they'll change, and the world will change. Don't waste your time, and learn to let go and move forward. Opportunity will always come knocking, so be strong enough to open the door.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
On Buddies That Fuck
Urban Dictionary defines 'fuck buddies' as a term used for sexual partners that regularly engage in sexual activities with each other, but do not share the usual emotional attachment of a standard boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. Whoever created this is my hero. Bravo, I applaud you sir. And you know this is something a guy came up with. Let's face it, girls don't have to have sex, period. They don't even need a man present. There are all types of toys and gadgets that do our job for them, and they do it better. Every guy knows it; I know it, and you know it too.
What do they need us for, then? To call them back and listen to their many problems, of course. But that's what I mean by emotional attachment, can you really avoid it? I don't think so. Why? Because women are going to be emotional regardless, there's no way around it. Especially when they let you into the holiest of holies, pardon the pun. To illustrate this point I'm going to tell you a story about a girl I know. She agreed to become fuck buddies with this guy she knew (shame it wasn't me). The longer they got together however, the more she wanted him to care about her. She thought that if she had sex with him more he would eventually start to like her enough for a relationship (I'll fuck you till you love me!). It's a sad situation, and it happens more often than you would think.
But enough of the negativity. Perhaps there is a way that it can work. I think a lot of it depends on how you view the situation. You could view it as a means to have fun, for free (emphasis on free, relationships are expensive). I'm sure most of you would agree that this is vital. Finding a partner might be complicated but it is possible if you look in the right places (strip clubs, brothels, etc). You would need to find a good friend that shared your sentiments exactly. That would help eliminate a lot of the bullshit drama accompanied with fuck buddies. And make sure you get the "no strings attached" in writing, just kidding (no seriously though, get her to sign a contract if you can). Another view could be that of being more active, and therefore healthy. Everyone knows that the more you have sex the longer you live (sexy people will live forever). Use that to your advantage, and at the very least you will be in a great damn mood from relieving sexual tension. That's a win-win for you and those around you. Go for it, what's the worst that could happen? (besides getting her pregnant and having to explain that to your parents. Also STD's).
Time to practice what I preach, I guess.
What do they need us for, then? To call them back and listen to their many problems, of course. But that's what I mean by emotional attachment, can you really avoid it? I don't think so. Why? Because women are going to be emotional regardless, there's no way around it. Especially when they let you into the holiest of holies, pardon the pun. To illustrate this point I'm going to tell you a story about a girl I know. She agreed to become fuck buddies with this guy she knew (shame it wasn't me). The longer they got together however, the more she wanted him to care about her. She thought that if she had sex with him more he would eventually start to like her enough for a relationship (I'll fuck you till you love me!). It's a sad situation, and it happens more often than you would think.
But enough of the negativity. Perhaps there is a way that it can work. I think a lot of it depends on how you view the situation. You could view it as a means to have fun, for free (emphasis on free, relationships are expensive). I'm sure most of you would agree that this is vital. Finding a partner might be complicated but it is possible if you look in the right places (strip clubs, brothels, etc). You would need to find a good friend that shared your sentiments exactly. That would help eliminate a lot of the bullshit drama accompanied with fuck buddies. And make sure you get the "no strings attached" in writing, just kidding (no seriously though, get her to sign a contract if you can). Another view could be that of being more active, and therefore healthy. Everyone knows that the more you have sex the longer you live (sexy people will live forever). Use that to your advantage, and at the very least you will be in a great damn mood from relieving sexual tension. That's a win-win for you and those around you. Go for it, what's the worst that could happen? (besides getting her pregnant and having to explain that to your parents. Also STD's).
Time to practice what I preach, I guess.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
This Is Still Not A Cry For Help
A fitting title, I think. At least when considering our intent for this blog.
The purpose of this blog is not to ask for advice (unless specifically mentioned, of course), nor is it to make us out to be victims of any sort. We are simply two young gentlemen with extraordinary levels of bad luck when it comes to women and our pursuit of their, shall we say... vertical smiles? Anyway, this blog is meant to be a means to share our thoughts on this particular matter, as well as any and all matters pertaining to the fairer sex. The intent, of course, being to make you; the ever interested web surfer, laugh at our misfortune. Should you find even the slightest bit of humor or perhaps even wisdom (albeit misguided on most counts) in what we write, then our goal will have been fulfilled.
Now, as far as an introduction goes, I am Steve Brown, and I also write at Conversations With Myself. According to my closest friends, I am apparently kind of a dick, but I'm sure anyone who is willing to spout truth as blatantly as I am is considered as such by most. Then again it could also be the profanity I use or my generally vulgar demeanor. Who knows? In any case, add in mild alcoholism and you have the general gist of who I am. Oh, also, I haven't had sex in nearly three years.
Failure to fornicate is our forte, folks, so come along for the ride as we forge bravely ahead in our ever long chase after he elusive muff monster.
The purpose of this blog is not to ask for advice (unless specifically mentioned, of course), nor is it to make us out to be victims of any sort. We are simply two young gentlemen with extraordinary levels of bad luck when it comes to women and our pursuit of their, shall we say... vertical smiles? Anyway, this blog is meant to be a means to share our thoughts on this particular matter, as well as any and all matters pertaining to the fairer sex. The intent, of course, being to make you; the ever interested web surfer, laugh at our misfortune. Should you find even the slightest bit of humor or perhaps even wisdom (albeit misguided on most counts) in what we write, then our goal will have been fulfilled.
Now, as far as an introduction goes, I am Steve Brown, and I also write at Conversations With Myself. According to my closest friends, I am apparently kind of a dick, but I'm sure anyone who is willing to spout truth as blatantly as I am is considered as such by most. Then again it could also be the profanity I use or my generally vulgar demeanor. Who knows? In any case, add in mild alcoholism and you have the general gist of who I am. Oh, also, I haven't had sex in nearly three years.
Failure to fornicate is our forte, folks, so come along for the ride as we forge bravely ahead in our ever long chase after he elusive muff monster.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Steve and Scott on Megan Fox
Steve: I think I'm going to watch
Steve: Jennifer's Body
Steve: I heard you see Megan Fox's tits in it
Steve: lol
Scott: I heard you see a lot of skin
Scott: but that the movie
Scott: sucks so bad
Scott: it's not even worth it
Scott: not even to see her tits
Scott: AND THIS IS COMING FROM A BLACK GUY I KNOW
Scott: YOU KNOW, BIG DICK AND ALL
Steve: rofl
Scott: you can trust him
Steve: perhaps I'll just mute it.
Steve: and forward through it
Scott: just fast forward
Scott: ss it so you don't have to find it again
Scott: then send it to me so I don't have to dl it
Steve: yeah
Steve: was going to
Steve: lol
Scott: ok good, we're on the same page
Steve: Jennifer's Body
Steve: I heard you see Megan Fox's tits in it
Steve: lol
Scott: I heard you see a lot of skin
Scott: but that the movie
Scott: sucks so bad
Scott: it's not even worth it
Scott: not even to see her tits
Scott: AND THIS IS COMING FROM A BLACK GUY I KNOW
Scott: YOU KNOW, BIG DICK AND ALL
Steve: rofl
Scott: you can trust him
Steve: perhaps I'll just mute it.
Steve: and forward through it
Scott: just fast forward
Scott: ss it so you don't have to find it again
Scott: then send it to me so I don't have to dl it
Steve: yeah
Steve: was going to
Steve: lol
Scott: ok good, we're on the same page
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